Books | Jacki Zehner

The Lost Art of Connecting

April 28, 2021 Jacki ZehnerLeave a comment

As published on April 27th, 2021 on LinkedIn Influencers.

I am what you might call a “people person”. I love meeting new people, making introductions, and as much as I can, helping others. I am also what Susan McPherson, the author of a new book called The Lost Art Of Connecting – The Gather, Ask, Do Method for Building Meaningful Business Relationships, might call a super connector. It takes one to know one Susan.

As two super connectors anchored to New York City, it is not surprising that we met each other over a decade ago. Though we can’t remember the exact occasion, we are quite sure that the introduction was made by a mutual friend and the cofounder of Apolitical, Lisa Witter. Another a super connector. Susan suggests in her book that you always try to circle back to the person who made the introduction in the first place, so in case I did not thank you previously Lisa, thank you!

Of course I had to write about Susan’s new book, and of course I recommend that you purchase it, as it is filled with knowledge garnered from a lifetime of building relationships.

On to the interview.

Susan, you are the ultimate connector, so it is not surprising that you would choose to write a book about it. But why this book, and why now?

One would think I wrote this book as a result of living socially-isolated for the last 12 months, but actually the book’s thesis was created long before the pandemic. I had started to witness, like many of us, that we were relying too heavily on technology and social media for outreach, and measuring success by number of followers, clicks, and likes, without a lot of the benefits of real, meaningful connection that comes from building and retaining and deepening relationships. I still love the old-fashioned outreach of picking up the phone, writing letters and sending them off in envelopes, and (pre-pandemic) hosting of gatherings, and that method has served me well in both my personal and professional life. For years, friends would ask when I was going to share that methodology, so I decided to write a book… and then COVID-19 hit. While it might seem counterintuitive, this topic of meaningful connection is more relevant than ever, and we need to discuss how to best utilize those technological tools as an aide, not a crutch, to our communication—especially at this moment as we prepare to re-emerge from months of quarantine.

In the process, I believe we’ve all learned a great deal about ourselves this past year, and we’ve realized just how important our meaningful relationships truly are. As we are reflecting on passing the one year mark of the pandemic and look forward to hopefully reconnecting in-person in the coming months, my book is a roadmap for stepping back in with intent, care, and compassion.

You interviewed so many people about connecting. Can you share a few of your favorite take-aways from those interviews?

I am so grateful to the many amazing people who agreed to be interviewed for this book, including Jamia Wilson, Tiffany Dufu, Morra Arons-Mele, Adam Grant, and so many more.

Tiffany (founder of The Cru) shared very specific tips/ideas for breaking out of our echo chambers, which in the current social media platforms we participate in, is extraordinarily challenging. If we only hear from people like us, we are never going to truly grow and expand our minds. And Morra shared that much of her career was built off of a random connection she made with Lisa Stone, one of the founders of BlogHer. Morra explained that we should never discount the random people we meet along the way in life. They could have lasting implications. A 1973 study actually showed that 82% of those surveyed found their jobs through a contact rarely or occasionally communicated with.

I am so in to saying hello to random people by the way, and indeed, I have made some wonderful connections that way. I love how you suggest doing that in your book. You present a methodology, Gather, Ask, Do. Can you expand on what this is and why it is so effective?

I’m often asked how I built so many meaningful connections in so many communities over the years, and I realized that there was a framework to it.

First, “Gather”. Assess internally what it is you are hoping to achieve, find, learn, or secure, and then determine the channels, communities, and organizations you can do that with. Then “Ask”, which is when you develop the means to have meaningful conversations in which you can learn about the people you are interacting with. And do your best to listen so you retain what they share. Once you do that, you will have the tools you need to move into the “Do” phase, which is the actionable stage. It is focused on the art of the follow-up and finding ways you can be supportive and helpful, and then in turn you become someone who is reliable, dependable, and trustworthy.

What do all of us need to know about connecting?

Connecting is like a riding a bike. It might feel rusty at first if you haven’t done it in a while, but with a little practice, fine tuning, and leading with how can I support or help, it will become easier and more natural. Connecting on this level—in meaningful ways—truly does make the world a better place.

Indeed it does. Thank you Susan.

To order The Lost Art of Connecting, please click here.

Photo with me, Susan, Farai Chideya, Amy Richards and Lisa Yancey.

What is the Opposite of Hate?

April 11, 2018 Jacki ZehnerLeave a comment

As published on LinkedIn Influencers on April 10th, 2018.

This may sound like the ultimate contradiction, but I hate the word hate. I truly do. I hate the way it sounds. I hate the way it feels. I hate the word hate. And I especially hate the fact that I can’t seem to avoid it these days. Politically and socially this word has seeped into our collective consciousness at an alarming rate, and while a lot of people have spent countless hours debating how we got to this point, I’m personally far more interested in how we move forward from here. How do we bridge this ever widening gap to find common ground and work together to move this country, and the world, forward?

Clearly, this is not an easy question, and as such there are no easy answers, but thankfully there are people who are trying to find a way forward. One such person is Sally Kohn, a political commentator and contributor to both CNN and Fox News, whose book on this very topic is available today. The Opposite of Hate examines the current epidemic of hate and its historical and cultural roots, but more importantly, it offers insight on how we can move past this bitterly divided impasse and learn to work together. I have known Sally for many years, and so when I heard that she would be devoting an entire book to the issue of hate and how we can move past it, I knew I had to pick up a copy. Sally’s writing has previously been published in The Washington Post, Fox News, USA Today, and The Huffington Post, but this is her first full book, and I encourage everyone to pick up a copy for themselves. And if you need a bit more incentive, please check out below some questions I posed to Sally prior to this book’s publication and her insightful responses. I know I’m looking forward to delving into this issue more deeply when my order arrives later today, and I hope I’m not the only one.

Jacki Zehner: Hate is such a harsh and strong word that I actively avoid using it because of how that word makes me feel, and yet you chose to write a book about it. Why? What made you decide to address this topic at this point in time?

Sally Kohn: I don’t want to sugar coat the hard reality of what we’re facing right now as a species. And there’s no other word for it, really. We have a problem with hate. We hate each other. And it only seems to be getting worse at the moment. Whether we’re talking about racism or misogyny or Islamophobia or anti-Semitism or extreme partisan hate and bias, we have a historical and habitual problem with demeaning and dehumanizing others based on their identities. A problem that has ebbed but more often flowed throughout the history of the United States and the world, which we’ve at times made progress on however imperfectly, but also are clearly still struggling with. Arguably it’s been worse before but still, I don’t think hate needs to be at its worst now to be bad enough that we have to do something about it.

JZ: What is the opposite of hate?

SK: It’s not love. Not for my purposes, anyway. You don’t have to love someone to not hate them. But you do have to understand how we’re all fundamentally connected as human beings, how in spite of our differences and disagreements — which, by the way, I think are incredibly important and even worth celebrating — we’re still more alike than not and have more in common than not. And we all want a world that’s less divided and less cruel. And the way we get there is recognizing how we’re connected, and studies show when we connect with people outside our own bubbles, the people we think of as “other” we hate them less. The opposite of hate is connection.

JZ: I love that answer and I could not agree more. The opposite of hate is connection. Thank you. So how did pursuing this topic change you and your worldview?

SK: You’d think that writing a book about hate would be really depressing, and of course parts were, especially coming to terms with our profound history and capacity for cruelty. But honestly, I walked away from the process of writing this book feeling more optimistic about humanity than ever. Sure we have the ability to hate, but we also have the ability for stunning kindness, for forgiveness to a degree that I never thought imaginable, for seeing the best in others in spite of every excuse not to. When I met former terrorists and ex-neo Nazis and people who had participated in heinous genocides who had somehow managed to leave entire lives of hate behind, that left me feeling more inspired and hopeful about human beings than I ever imagined possible. We all have the capacity for great hate, but we also all have the capacity for its opposite — and, to me, it’s that positive possibility that makes us all so remarkable and full of promise.

JZ: You have spent a lot of time working as a social and political commentator on various news channels. What is your take on the current state of our news media? How has the relationship between the news media and the government changed since the last election?

SK: I’m deeply worried about the state of truth and fact in our world today, which I still believe in the power of journalists to defend and promote, but has obviously been deeply undermined. And in addition to each of us as individuals standing up for facts and real news, there’s a role that government I think needs to play in working with the media, in a cross-partisan fashion, to make sure that we the people have access to the facts and information our democracy needs. In addition, I also worry that the news media helped create this moment in part by sliding away from an emphasis on reporting toward over-emphasizing opinion and debate — a dynamic, by the way, I still play into. And I think it’s important there be spaces in media for discussing and debating opinions. At the same time, I worry when news media starts to borrow too much from sensational reality television… and then we elect a reality TV star President and it comes full circle.

JZ: Increasingly, Americans are dividing up and self-sorting themselves into groups and spaces where we are constantly surrounded by people who think alike and hold the same opinions as each other, particularly in the online spaces. What are the dangers of this division? How do you think this is effecting our ability to engage and connect with people who think differently about important issues?

SK: I’m an opinionated person. I literally have opinions for a living. That’s my profession as a commentator and columnist. So I want to be clear that I don’t think the problem is people having deeply held convictions and beliefs or even defending their perspectives. I think the problem is when we do so by demeaning and even dehumanizing those who don’t agree with us. And divisiveness — both conceptual and in real life — just makes the problem worse, because it’s easy to be mean to people you don’t know. And more and more of us don’t know people, don’t live around people, don’t work with people, who hold different views than we do. And then we reinforce those bubbles in the news we consume and the social media we follow. Which is why connection is the answer — making sure you have friends outside your political bubble, or at the very least following smart thinkers on social media who come from the other side of the political spectrum. And then learning how we can disagree without resorting to or reinforcing hate.

If you read this, love your thoughts in the comment section. Have a wonderful day.

Gloria Steinem – My Life On The Road

October 27, 2015 ionutLeave a comment

Published on LinkedIn on October 27, 2015

In 1999, I had the honor of receiving the Women Who Make a Difference Award from the National Council for Research on Women. I was being recognized for my work in promoting diversity at Goldman Sachs, and when I discovered that none other than Gloria Steinem would be speaking at the event as well, I was overjoyed. Gloria was someone I had long since admired and respected, and it was a privilege to finally meet her in person.

Our paths did not cross again until one special evening in 2001. At the time, I was unhappy in my role at Goldman, combined with being a mother of two young children, and in moments of pure whimsy, I fantasized about quitting to write a Wonder Woman screenplay (the whole story can be found here). One night, I called a dear friend to ask her if I could come over to talk things over before I did anything too stupid, and while she said yes, our talk would have to wait until after her small dinner party that she was hosting that night was over. When I asked who was coming to dinner, she named about six people who were all very impressive, but it was the last one who left me breathless: Gloria Steinem.

I showed up ridiculously excited and nervous. Our previous encounter had been brief, and since that event, I had read so much by and about her, I felt like I was meeting the President. The first person I encountered that evening was Gloria’s partner, David Bale, and I remember him asking me about myself. I shared that I was a partner at Goldman Sachs, but joked that I was going to quit my job to try and write a screenplay for a Wonder Woman movie. As I explained that I had an idea for a narrative that was inspired by my experiences at Goldman, a smile came over his face. He asked me if I knew that Gloria was one of the world’s experts on Wonder Woman, and I immediately broke out in goosebumps. Somehow, with everything I already knew about Gloria, this piece of information was unknown to me. I also didn’t know at the time that David’s son was Christian Bale, who would famously go on to play Batman just a couple of years later. There was a lot of superhero knowledge in this family!

When I finally got to talk to Gloria, she informed me that the premiere issue of Ms. Magazine featured an image of Wonder Woman on its cover, boldly proclaiming, “Wonder Woman for President”, and today, my copy of that issue is one of my most prized possessions in my collection of Wonder Woman memorabilia. That night the two of us talked about Wonder Woman and little else, and I handed in my resignation at Goldman the very next day. I took it as a sign.

Of course, I didn’t go on to write the Wonder Woman screenplay, but I did leave my position at Goldman, took a screenwriting course, and pursued the idea of a female superhero movie for quite some time before deciding that the timing was just not right. Yet. Meanwhile, I was getting to know real life female superheroes; women who were using the super powers they had, such as their time, treasure, and talent, to make a difference in the lives of others. Sometimes fact is better then fiction.

Gloria and I have gone on to become friends, and I have come to rely on her wisdom and experience as I navigate my own journey of being a voice for gender equality, especially in my role at Women Moving Millions, where Gloria serves on our Advisory Board. Whenever I get stuck in my work, I often ask myself, What Would Gloria do?, a question that actually manifested as a trending hashtag (WWGD) at a Makers conference a few years back. (lets bring it back!) Gloria has been on this path for over 50 years, and during this time, she has been a tireless advocate for women and girls all over the world. Among her many achievements, she co-founded both Ms. Magazine and the Ms. Foundation for Women in 1972, and she has continued to inspire generations of future activists through her writing, speaking, and outreach. For further reading, here is a fabulous piece on Gloria written by Jane Kramer in The New Yorker, October 2015. Also this just in on NPR.

Throughout her career, Gloria has published several bestselling books, including Outrageous Acts and Everyday Rebellions, Revolution From Within, Moving Beyond Words, and Doing Sixty and Seventy. Her latest book, My Life on the Road (#mylifeontheroad and @gloriasteinem), comes out today, and my order is already in. A memoir of her life, this book is a chronicle of a lifetime spent giving a voice to those who may not have otherwise been heard, and I encourage everyone to go out and pick up a copy. Gloria is a constant inspiration, not just to me personally, but to all of us on how to live a life of service to others, and I hope she continues to inspire us all for years to come. At 81, she is showing no signs of slowing down.

It’s no secret that I love good quotes, so to wrap up, I’ve listed below some of my favorite of Gloria’s. Enjoy, and happy reading!

A feminist is anyone who recognizes the equality and full humanity of women and men.

Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.

The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn.

Women are not going to be equal outside the home until men are equal in it.

The future depends entirely on what each of us does every day; a movement is only people moving.

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.

Once we give up searching for approval we often find it easier to earn respect.

We’ve begun to raise daughters more like sons… but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters.

Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don’t feel I should be doing something else.

If the shoe doesn’t fit, must we change the foot?

Hope is a very unruly emotion.

*The photo is from 2010 at my “leaving New York” party. Gloria gave me my very own set of golden cuffs.